My spiritual quest

Without intentionally setting out to do so, I have found myself on a spiritual quest that began several years ago. At least that's how I've come to think of it. Except that I don't even really know what a spiritual quest is.

So how do I know I'm on one?

At first I just guessed. Thinking back, I think it started during a period of my life that I felt really isolated and alone, so I sought out community, a sense of fellowship, and authentic connections with others. A little later I made a conscious decision to make lifestyle changes that would support a longer, healthier life. As I lost weight and placed a never-before-sought focus on developing my athletic ability, I realized mental and emotional strength were required to stay committed to achieving my goals. Soon after that I began to see running as my opportunity to practice bettering myself, in all ways. I wrote about it here. This opportunity to practice being my best self and to connect with others who are doing the same has now become the reason I run.

So, what exactly does this have to do with spirituality? What is spirituality anyway?

I asked Google for definitions of "spirituality" and found these (plus many others):

 “the search for meaning in life events and a yearning for connectedness to the universe” (Coles 1990)

. …refers to a broad set of principles that transcend all religions. Spirituality is about the relationship between ourselves and something larger. That something can be the good of the community or the people who are served by your agency or school or with energies greater than ourselves. Spirituality means being in the right relationship with all that is. It is a stance of harmlessness toward all living beings and an understanding of their mutual interdependence.” (Kaiser 2000)

Source: http://nccc.georgetown.edu/body_mind_spirit/definitions_spirituality_religion.html

And this:

"spirituality is the aspect of humanity that refers to the way individuals seek and express meaning and purpose and the way they experience their connectedness to the moment, to self, to others, to nature, and to the significant or sacred."

Source: http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/purpose/spirituality/what-spirituality


YES!

My spiritual quest is about fulfilling the yearning, the search for meaning and connection to all that is. The recognition that all living beings are interdependent and that I want to live my life in such a way that honors and respects our connectedness, and contribute to the greater good.

But this is a big idea, and I don't really know how to actually go about it. So, I seek out people with whom I can have conversations that help me broaden my perspective and who inspire me to be my best. Because when I am my best, I am most capable of having something positive to contribute to others.

But on my quest, sometimes funny things happen and other times I make wrong turns. The other day I caught myself feeling frustrated about a hip injury that has kept me from running as much as I would like, and in my frustration I thought "When will I finally heal so I can get on with the business of being my best self??!!"

Huh.

HUH!

Duh.

Maybe, Christy, this is the perfect opportunity to practice. Being your best isn't about how well you perform, its about all of the things you do every day to be better than the day before. It's about showing up every day and putting in the effort, both physical and emotional, to address weaknesses and overcome obstacles. You KNOW this....and its OK to remind yourself whenever you need it.

I've been trying to write this post for months and it still doesn't adequately reflect the depth of thought I've put into it....but it's something, so I'm publishing it.

Ciao!

Success, however minor, feels so dang good!

I can't write about some of what's on my mind lately, which has made this blog a little...pointless. However, my fingers have been itching a bit so, thankfully, I finally have something to say about Mothering. And other things (...maybe...we'll see).

So, Alex. My sweet, imaginative, introspective, shy, curious 9-year-old Alex is also the world's biggest mess maker. He spends hours alone in his room creating masterpieces out of every. single. Lego. And matchbox car. And puzzle piece. And magic trick prop. You get the idea.

Or maybe you need a visual.

I just happen to have a few. None are of his room, but I think they substantiate my claim very well.

Exhibit A: Hard to see, I know, but it was the middle of the night. I woke up to Alex in my room with all of his bedding, a giant pile of books, a flashlight, and other various stuffed animals and other nighttime necessities. You see how quickly this kind of thinking can get out of hand?

You'll have to look close to find Alex...

Exhibit B: This is how Alex packs to spectate a 60-minute soccer game. The backpack is so heavy he can barely lift it. Note that a portable electric keyboard is essential, but shoes are not.

Shoes are an afterthought.

Oh, and here's one from 7 years ago. When he was 2. Literally, every single toy.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I saw this.

And here are two more, just because he's so stinkin' cute!

Unfortunately, this kind of mess is nearly a daily occurrence. We try to stay on top of it by requiring him to clean up every evening before bed. This works reasonably well, though it does require adult supervision to break it down to manageable steps (first, start by putting all the books back on the bookshelf; next put all the cars back in their bin, etc). Inevitably though life happens and we have a couple of late nights and let it slide, or he has a meltdown and refuses to clean up at which point I pack all of the toys on the floor in a big black trash bag and keep them for a week or two until I think he's gotten the point, then we put them all back where they belong and start the whole maddening cycle all over again.

We've tried other things besides threats and punishments. We've offered incentives, encouraged him to get rid of some things, and spent hours upon hours helping him sort and organize only to have our hard work undone when it all ends up together in a giant cornucopia in the center of his room two days later.

Until now...

A few weeks ago, at wit's end, I devised a plan. There was no drama involved either. Just a recognition from both sides that we couldn't go on as we had been. According to this plan, all toys were taken out of his room and put into clear plastic sets of drawers in my closet (which is enormous and just screaming for a purpose other than collecting clothes and shoes I certainly don't need).

All of Alex's toys neatly organized into drawers.

Empty shelves = bliss!

Yes, that is a flashing neon sign with the words Man Cave on his wall.

Alex is allowed to play with his toys anytime as long as he gets adult permission, and all of the toys have to go back in their place before bed. This might sounds like micromanagement to some parents out there, and others will probably say I just haven't done a good job teaching my child how to clean up after himself. But to those parents I say "phooey"! While my house may not be spotless, it is orderly and both of my children are expected to clean up after themselves (after mealtimes, for example) and have daily chores. My older son, while not perfect either, has learned to keep the mess in his room to a manageable level and we rarely experience conflict on this front.

To my surprise, Alex welcomed the structure. He no longer has to feel overwhelmed by the task of cleaning up. He likes having wide open spaces to play and draw. I love getting to just love on my prince instead of succumbing to being a screaming witch over futile attempts to restore order. 

So there you go. Mothering! I guess Other Things will have to wait til next time...

Post-Race Reflections

At the finish line of the Colorado Marathon

I am so proud of my friend, Renee, who overcame a calf tear and a good deal of self-doubt to complete her first half marathon! We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day and the race was well organized. We had to take a bus to the start and then had a little over an hour until race time, which could have been miserable if the weather was cold. As it was, we chatted about race strategy for a bit before warming up with a slow mile run and some stretching. I was there with the sole purpose of supporting my friend, pacing her to a finish. Her training had been truncated by an injury so her longest run (ever) was 10 miles and she was averaging around 9:30 pace during training runs. Our race strategy was as follows: run miles 1-4 at easy, relaxed pace, about 10 seconds slower than goal pace of 9:30; miles 4-10 pick it up to goal pace of 9:30, which we expected to be a nice cruising speed; if she was feeling good, we would pick up the pace to 9:20 or better during the last 3 miles, and if she was not feeling so good, we would just hang on to our cruising speed.

And that's exactly what we did. I was so impressed with Renee's perfect execution of our strategy! She didn't go out too fast and kept the pace easy during those first miles (I ran behind her to make sure I didn't influence her pace). I know she was anxious initially but was able to settle in and relax to hit her cruising pace of 9:30 for the middle miles. There was a decent hill between miles 10 and 11 so we decided it would be better mentally to plan to pick up the pace after the hill. At this point, I moved out front to help push the pace a bit and Renee hung on like a champ! She finished strong with the final mile of the race the fastest at 9:00 exactly. It really was textbook perfect. Our final time was a respectable 2:09:35, which placed Renee in the top 50% for her age division. Since her goal was simply to finish, she was thrilled with the outcome and I was happy to have been able to contribute to her achievement.

But....I would be lying if I said I didn't ache a little with the disappointment of not achieving my own goal. It stung a little to see my running buddy, Chris, finish in 1:33, knowing I kept pace with him during long runs and track workouts up to the last 6 weeks of training. I felt bitter that I let yet another opportunity pass to meet my goal, when mere weeks ago I was feeling stronger and faster than I ever have before. I feel certain that if I could have kept up with my training I would have met my goal (and possibly even my super secret goal finish time).

So....what did I learn and where do I go from here? I learned that I could let go of my ego and truly enjoy helping someone else meet their goal. I learned that I actually can execute a race strategy well (I rarely achieve negative splits in my own races). I learned that I have acquired knowledge and experience that can help others - I typically think I am the one who needs schooling - but this day I was able to see how far I have come from my beginner days, which really aren't that long ago....so I can both remember what it felt like to simply be worried about whether or not I could finish and have the insight to know that it was entirely within Renee's capability to meet her goal. I also learned that I am not done with this quest to achieve my goal and that if I don't figure out how to get there, I may never be able to rest.

I don't know exactly what comes next. The only thing on the horizon is a loose plan to pace a friend for 20 of her 100-miler in June. It will give me a chance to see up close what ultra running looks like (I'm not expecting pretty...but I'm hoping it will be inspirational...?) My goal at present is to get back to running 6 days/week and raise my base to 50 weekly miles. I'm also pretty sure I'll run a local trail half in September and full in October...for fun. I'll be focused on pushing past my mind telling me my limitations and looking for trails that lift my spirit. And maybe, hopefully, I'll discover that no matter what happens, I'm still a runner.

Giving back

Tomorrow I'll run the race I had been training for before I crashed. I won't be racing, but instead I'll be pacing a friend to her first half marathon finish. I am pleased to discover that I have something to offer to a newer runner. I typically think of myself as the one with everything to learn, but tomorrow I'll be able to share race strategy tips from others and from my own experience. It feels good to be able to give back.

Facing a fear

I wore a watch today for the first time in awhile. Here's how it looked:

1.25 mile warm up @ 8:20 pace
1600 @ 6:41
1200 @ 5:03
800 @ 3:11
800 @ 3:10
1.25 mile cool down @ 8:30 pace

Short and sweet...and not as slow as I feared. Maybe this love affair isn't over after all...

Still here

I see you there, running. I see you in the sunny morning, perfect for a long, leisurely trail run. I see you in packs of like-minded people, pursuing their passion. I see you running fast, swift, strong. I feel your joy, and I relish it from my distant vantage point. I see you in my closet, overflowing with shoes both tired and worn and a few still pretty new, waiting for their turn to go out again. I see you asking me if I'll race next week...hopeful, maybe, that I haven't given up. I see you on the roads and on the trails and in my mind.

I know that you know I am watching you from afar, and I know that you are looking for me too. Looking for a sign that I'm still here. This is your sign. I'm here. But I'm not the same, running. It hurts now....my whole body hurts. I run, but not like I used to. Not like I want to. I run until my body tells me to stop, and then I stop. No desire to keep moving forward. I stop when it hurts, and sometimes I sit down. 

The pain is overwhelming, running. But I'm getting help. Help you couldn't give me, and I could not have expected to come from you. I have a whole team, actually, helping me deal with the pain of past and present. 

Like all religions, running, an element of faith is required. I am putting faith in you, running, that you will be there for me when I have worked through the pain and emerge a whole, healed person. In the meantime, I'll do what I can to help and support others, and to give as much of me as I can to you. And I expect, in the end, that you'll give back to me tenfold.

Dear Running

Dear Running,

I have to go away for awhile. I don't know exactly where I'm going or how long I'll be gone, only that I have to go. Please know, it makes me very sad to leave you behind.

I'm not sure exactly what's led up to this. It can't be blamed entirely for that time I jumped off the cliff and got injured. You were there, true, but I understand you were powerless to stop me from falling. I think it has more to do with the box I've put you in. I thought by putting you in a box I could keep you safe from the dangerous things that can happen when you love something too much. But it's hard to breathe inside that box, I know, and that's left both of us panicked.

I won't be alone where I'm going. I'll have George Sheehan, Matt Fitzgerald, and other writers to keep me company and give me hope. Perhaps I'll occasionally visit you here. I trust that you'll be waiting for me when I'm ready to come back.

With great sadness,
Christy