Post-Race Reflections

At the finish line of the Colorado Marathon

I am so proud of my friend, Renee, who overcame a calf tear and a good deal of self-doubt to complete her first half marathon! We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day and the race was well organized. We had to take a bus to the start and then had a little over an hour until race time, which could have been miserable if the weather was cold. As it was, we chatted about race strategy for a bit before warming up with a slow mile run and some stretching. I was there with the sole purpose of supporting my friend, pacing her to a finish. Her training had been truncated by an injury so her longest run (ever) was 10 miles and she was averaging around 9:30 pace during training runs. Our race strategy was as follows: run miles 1-4 at easy, relaxed pace, about 10 seconds slower than goal pace of 9:30; miles 4-10 pick it up to goal pace of 9:30, which we expected to be a nice cruising speed; if she was feeling good, we would pick up the pace to 9:20 or better during the last 3 miles, and if she was not feeling so good, we would just hang on to our cruising speed.

And that's exactly what we did. I was so impressed with Renee's perfect execution of our strategy! She didn't go out too fast and kept the pace easy during those first miles (I ran behind her to make sure I didn't influence her pace). I know she was anxious initially but was able to settle in and relax to hit her cruising pace of 9:30 for the middle miles. There was a decent hill between miles 10 and 11 so we decided it would be better mentally to plan to pick up the pace after the hill. At this point, I moved out front to help push the pace a bit and Renee hung on like a champ! She finished strong with the final mile of the race the fastest at 9:00 exactly. It really was textbook perfect. Our final time was a respectable 2:09:35, which placed Renee in the top 50% for her age division. Since her goal was simply to finish, she was thrilled with the outcome and I was happy to have been able to contribute to her achievement.

But....I would be lying if I said I didn't ache a little with the disappointment of not achieving my own goal. It stung a little to see my running buddy, Chris, finish in 1:33, knowing I kept pace with him during long runs and track workouts up to the last 6 weeks of training. I felt bitter that I let yet another opportunity pass to meet my goal, when mere weeks ago I was feeling stronger and faster than I ever have before. I feel certain that if I could have kept up with my training I would have met my goal (and possibly even my super secret goal finish time).

So....what did I learn and where do I go from here? I learned that I could let go of my ego and truly enjoy helping someone else meet their goal. I learned that I actually can execute a race strategy well (I rarely achieve negative splits in my own races). I learned that I have acquired knowledge and experience that can help others - I typically think I am the one who needs schooling - but this day I was able to see how far I have come from my beginner days, which really aren't that long ago....so I can both remember what it felt like to simply be worried about whether or not I could finish and have the insight to know that it was entirely within Renee's capability to meet her goal. I also learned that I am not done with this quest to achieve my goal and that if I don't figure out how to get there, I may never be able to rest.

I don't know exactly what comes next. The only thing on the horizon is a loose plan to pace a friend for 20 of her 100-miler in June. It will give me a chance to see up close what ultra running looks like (I'm not expecting pretty...but I'm hoping it will be inspirational...?) My goal at present is to get back to running 6 days/week and raise my base to 50 weekly miles. I'm also pretty sure I'll run a local trail half in September and full in October...for fun. I'll be focused on pushing past my mind telling me my limitations and looking for trails that lift my spirit. And maybe, hopefully, I'll discover that no matter what happens, I'm still a runner.

Giving back

Tomorrow I'll run the race I had been training for before I crashed. I won't be racing, but instead I'll be pacing a friend to her first half marathon finish. I am pleased to discover that I have something to offer to a newer runner. I typically think of myself as the one with everything to learn, but tomorrow I'll be able to share race strategy tips from others and from my own experience. It feels good to be able to give back.

Facing a fear

I wore a watch today for the first time in awhile. Here's how it looked:

1.25 mile warm up @ 8:20 pace
1600 @ 6:41
1200 @ 5:03
800 @ 3:11
800 @ 3:10
1.25 mile cool down @ 8:30 pace

Short and sweet...and not as slow as I feared. Maybe this love affair isn't over after all...

Still here

I see you there, running. I see you in the sunny morning, perfect for a long, leisurely trail run. I see you in packs of like-minded people, pursuing their passion. I see you running fast, swift, strong. I feel your joy, and I relish it from my distant vantage point. I see you in my closet, overflowing with shoes both tired and worn and a few still pretty new, waiting for their turn to go out again. I see you asking me if I'll race next week...hopeful, maybe, that I haven't given up. I see you on the roads and on the trails and in my mind.

I know that you know I am watching you from afar, and I know that you are looking for me too. Looking for a sign that I'm still here. This is your sign. I'm here. But I'm not the same, running. It hurts now....my whole body hurts. I run, but not like I used to. Not like I want to. I run until my body tells me to stop, and then I stop. No desire to keep moving forward. I stop when it hurts, and sometimes I sit down. 

The pain is overwhelming, running. But I'm getting help. Help you couldn't give me, and I could not have expected to come from you. I have a whole team, actually, helping me deal with the pain of past and present. 

Like all religions, running, an element of faith is required. I am putting faith in you, running, that you will be there for me when I have worked through the pain and emerge a whole, healed person. In the meantime, I'll do what I can to help and support others, and to give as much of me as I can to you. And I expect, in the end, that you'll give back to me tenfold.

Dear Running

Dear Running,

I have to go away for awhile. I don't know exactly where I'm going or how long I'll be gone, only that I have to go. Please know, it makes me very sad to leave you behind.

I'm not sure exactly what's led up to this. It can't be blamed entirely for that time I jumped off the cliff and got injured. You were there, true, but I understand you were powerless to stop me from falling. I think it has more to do with the box I've put you in. I thought by putting you in a box I could keep you safe from the dangerous things that can happen when you love something too much. But it's hard to breathe inside that box, I know, and that's left both of us panicked.

I won't be alone where I'm going. I'll have George Sheehan, Matt Fitzgerald, and other writers to keep me company and give me hope. Perhaps I'll occasionally visit you here. I trust that you'll be waiting for me when I'm ready to come back.

With great sadness,
Christy

Chaos to clarity (and back again) and intentions for 2015

I seem to alternate between periods where my thoughts are chaotic and disorganized and periods of total clarity. And the thing is, I always seem to experience chaos/clarity in all aspects of my life simultaneously (at least those where I am trying to grow) - I'm never crystal clear at work, and disorganized and chaotic about running goals, for example. However, when clarity comes, it is universal too. I can often go for weeks, even months, uncertain about my direction or path...sometimes just going on faith that the plans I've laid are the best ones, but not really feeling certain... until *SNAP* all at once, I know just what to do to move forward.

Interestingly, running seems to help me get to that point of clarity, and writing serves to solidify it. Writing can be nearly impossible for me during those disorganized periods...but once I've achieved clarity, I feel compelled to write (this is probably an unconscious attempt to preserve all those hard earned clear thoughts).

I think I started this post in a moment of clarity, but now, a few weeks later, I think I'm tipping back to chaos again...(sigh). Going to try to stop the slide by posting some intentions for 2015. I wrote these in my run journal a few weeks ago, but reiterating them here may bring them back into focus:

• Run more miles
• Focus on full recovery between hard run efforts
• Strength train to correct imbalances and avoid injury
• Learn something new (I'm thinking it's going to be learning to use a pottery wheel)
• Do fewer things, but do them well
• Love bravely (more on this later)

Thoughts on risk taking

Thoughts on risk taking:

I am a calculated risk taker

Who likes adventure

Taking risks, when the outcome was good, has enriched my life

Taking risks, when the outcome was not good, has caused me alot of pain....but also eventually enriched my life